More on that later.
Last we left with Peter asking Hannah B to come back on the show after they admitted they still had feelings for each other. That would mean Hannah B would have gone from The Bachelor to The Bachelorette to Dancing with the Stars (which she won) back to The Bachelor. That’s a hell cycle of reality TV that no one deserves.
So does Peter quit the show for her? Does she move into the McMansion? Do they run off together and adopt Nick Viall as their child?
We open with Peter and Hannah B still having a tear-filled conversation.
Hannah says, “I don’t know if I made the right decision with you. This is hard. I let go of somebody who didn’t hurt my heart. And now he asks me to stay, and I don’t, like, know what to do now.”
Peter tells Hannah he doesn’t know what to do, and they hug.
Hannah jokes that they should “go catch a flight.”
After a tense moment Peter says, “I can’t do it.”
“This was not supposed to happen,” Hannah says.
They hug again and then part ways.
Meanwhile the other contestants are waiting for their group date to continue and wondering WTF is going on.
Peter asks the women to all gather around. He admits he’s not in the right headspace for their date and that he feels bad because it’s unfair to them.
All of the women are upset about this. Sydney questions if Peter should even be The Bachelor if he still has feelings for Hannah B. Natasha points out that every time she’s seen Peter, Hannah B has been there too, which, yeah, but it’s been two days so…
Anyway, they move on to the after-party portion of the date where Peter apologizes to them again and tells him he wants to put that afternoon in the past. Natasha tells Peter that she’s frustrated with him and that, basically, he needs to figure his shit out. He assures her that he is moving forward and that Hannah B is in the past.
Sydney tells Peter how difficult it was growing up biracial in a small, Southern town. Peter gives her the group date rose.
Then we cut to the pre- Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party.
Peter remembers nothing from the first night apparently. He keeps asking the women questions like “What happened when we met?” “Where are you from?” He’s putting as much energy into remembering this shit as I am, and that’s saying something.
So then we get to the champagne crisis.
Kelsey tells us that her family gave her a bottle of champagne for a special occasion, and she really wanted to open it with Peter on the first night, but wasn’t able to. She brings out the bottle, tied with a red ribbon its neck, and sets it by the outdoor fireplace where drunk, bored Elyse would be burning shit.
She says, “To me, the bottle shows my heart and shows what I want. I want to have a husband. I want to have a family. ”
So…a bottle of champagne is a metaphor for her heart?
MyKenna steals Peter away first, though, and Kelsey tells her she’s disrespectful and a snake.
So then Peter and Hannah Ann walk past the champagne staging area that Kelsey set up AND THEY DRINK THE CHAMPAGNE.
You hear the cork pop and Kelsey’s head swivels around like…
THAT WAS HER SPECIAL CHAMPAGNE YOU GUYS. THAT WAS HER HEART YOU JUST DRANK.
Kelsey starts crying. The other women crowd around her offering comfort. “It probably wasn’t your champagne! Don’t ruin your makeup!”
But it is her champagne and Peter looks baffled as to why Kelsey is standing there sobbing. She calls Hannah Ann a snake. Snakes are a thing for her, I guess.
Kelsey locks herself in a bathroom with a PA where she’s sobbing. Peter knocks on the door.
“Do you want Peter?” the PA asks.
“No,” Kelsey sobs.
YOU JUST DRANK HER METAPHORICAL HEART, PETER. GIVE THE GIRL A MOMENT FFS.
No one wants Peter, though. That’s the crazy thing about this whole fucking show.
Hannah Ann feels bad about the bottle, for what it’s worth. There’s a bunch of booze just lying around the McMansion so I’m not sure how anyone could be expected to know that it was being saved.
“That was my moment,” Kelsey says tearfully. “And she took it from me.” Hannah Ann insists she didn’t know about the champagne and Kelsey keeps saying, “I brought that bottle from Des Moines!”
So then Peter finds another bottle of McMansion champagne and opens it. He asks Kelsey if she wants a glass and she says “We can drink from the bottle. I’m not a classy bitch all the time.”
And then this happens:
The champagne shoots out of the bottle, directly up her nose, across her entire face and she leans over, spitting a giant mouthful of it out in an arc. It’s pornographic. It’s like tiny bubbles ejaculating. Her sinuses have to be on fire. Her contact lenses are definitely ruined.
“Are you okay?” Peter asks, horrified.
“Are you kidding me?” Kelsey asks, sounding defeated. Champagne runs down her face. I’m pretty sure one of her fake eyelashes is just hanging half on now.
Hannah Ann goes over later to apologize and Kelsey tells her she’s fake and to “fuck off.”
So then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Tammy, my cheese-loving fav, says she’s so stressed her curls are coming out. “I don’t want to be involved in this champagne crisis anymore!” she adds.
Hannah Ann worries Peter thinks she’s a champagne thief.
In the end Hannah Ann, Tammy and Kelsey all get roses.
After the commercial break we get another group date. Carson Kressley, Janice Dickinson, and Revolve’s Chief Branding Officer, Raissa Gerona, are judging the women in a fashion show. The winner gets over 40 shopping bags of Revolve clothing valued in the tens of thousands of dollars.
Victoria F doesn’t feel confident and seems unhappy with the whole date. She gets teary and Kelsey comforts her.
Peter walks the runway first and…it’s not great, you guys.
Hannah Ann decided not to fuck around and comes out dressed as a bride.
“There’s nothing wrong with a sneak peek,” she says.
Then Victoria F, who says she’s struggling with confidence, comes out in lingerie and kisses Peter in front of everyone.
The two finalists are Hannah Ann and Victoria F. They do a final walk off. Hannah Ann wins.
Victoria F starts crying and says she’s never good enough and she’s defeated. During the after party she tells Peter that she doesn’t think the show is good for her mental health which SPOILER IT’S NOT and he asks her how she could seem so confident on the catwalk if she wasn’t.
She says she just wanted Peter to see her.
Peter pulls her off camera (we can still kinda see them and hear everything) and says he doesn’t want her to give up on the show. They hug.
Hannah Ann is still pretty upset that Kelsey cursed her out and blamed her for the champagne crisis. She tells Peter what happened. She tells him she was bullied and “her spirit was crushed.”
Meanwhile, Chips the cat, undone by the suspense, frantically attacks a pencil. Then he crouches down in plain sight so we can’t see him. Kittens, y’all.
Hannah Ann tells Peter, “I think I love you a little bit.”
The group date rose goes to Victoria F. Then Peter asks to talk to Kelsey. He tells her about Hannah Ann’s allegations of bullying, and Kelsey immediately starts crying and says Hannah Ann is playing the victim card. Kelsey denies the name calling and swearing which absolutely happened.
“There’s a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and bullying,” Kelsey says.
So then Kelsey goes into the bathroom and cries and Hannah Ann says “I’m not a champagne stealer!” and that’s where we leave off.
Are you a champagne stealer? Are you still watching?