Cover Snark: Never Forget Sunscreen

February 10, 2020

Sometimes it feels so long since the last Cover Snark and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday!

Ranger, Rise of the Pride by Theresa Hissong. A black jaguar is hanging out in the forest. Behind it is a shirtless man. On one pec is a claw mark tattoo and the other has eyes and wings, making his nipple look like a nose.

From Vestusta: Came across this while checking out library books the other day and I am highly amused by that tattoo placement relative to his nipple. Epic duckface? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Sarah: Even the panther looks confused.

Catherine: Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had some very fancy 80s eye makeup.

Elyse: Oh man that tattoo is just made of regret.

Amanda: Definitely can’t unsee the reindeer face.

Elyse: That’s like the tattoo they use in an ad for laser tattoo removal.

Tara: That cat looks like it’s just going to turn to the camera and start talking like Salem from the 90s version of Sabrina

Charlotte B: I thought the eyes were the nipples of the face. How am I to interpret this?

The panther is definitely wondering what it did in a former life to deserve this.

Catherine: So is the tattoo. It has exactly the same pained expression on its face.

Charlotte B: The tattoo is definitely silently judging him…for the rest of his life.

Lara: Are the claw marks also a tattoo? Or a scar? If he’s a shifter, does that mean he scratched himself?

Sneezy: He’s being judged by a panther and his own goddamned tattoo, and has what looks like badly made temp tattoos that are supposed to look like scars, yet he looks remarkably proud of all his life choices.

Also, is it just me, or do his nipples not match? It looks like one boob is bigger than the other, too.

AJ: Charlotte B, thank you for the phrase “the eyes are the nipples of the face.” It is extremely cursed and I’ll be sharing it with everyone I know immediately.

Also are her eyebrows wings, or are her wings eyebrows? Discuss.

Red Awakening by Janet Elizabeth Henderson. A man is standing in front of a lit up cityscape. He is very red. Like a tomato and he has an awful tribal neck tattoo.

Amanda: Someone didn’t use sunscreen

Elyse: I’ve had a few red awakenings and it’s such a pain. I figured that all would have stopped when I got out of my teens but nope. CSI bedsheets.

Catherine: Oh, ouch. I’m feeling sore just looking at that.

Elyse: It’s weird that it’s just the neck. It’s like he fell asleep under a beach umbrella and his friends were dicks and didn’t tell him to move later on.

Tara: I think it’s an infection from the tattoo

Claudia: Oh Tara, that’s very good, lol.

Tara: Everyone knows it’s important to choose a reputable tattooer…

Maybe he got it done in some dude’s kitchen. That’s how you get a blood infection.

Sneezy: He might have skipped sunscreen or got in contact with a craigslist tattoorer in order to ‘awaken’ the ‘red.’

“I AM NOW THE LOBSTER LORD!!!!”

Sarah: I’m thinking it’s really bad sunburn, so bad it’s swollen, and the hem of that shirt is probably agony. Been there, dude.

Revenge Among the Stars by Vicky Burkholder. A man is giving us the smolder on what appears to be planet Mars.

Susan: I don’t think this guy is supposed to look like a hipster who wants to tell you about his new tech startup.

Elyse: He’s high isn’t he?

Catherine: Oh, he looks shady as. I would not buy a used car from that man.

Tara: What if he’s just confused?

Catherine: Actually, looking at his arm position, I think he’s taking a selfie, which suggests he thinks he looks hot. Tinder profile pic?

Amanda: Isn’t that the Star Trek man?

Susan: I can’t work out if he’s just wearing a short-sleeved hoodie or what.

AJ: Andy Serkis? Is that you?

Sarah: I keep thinking this guy looks like someone, or a face merge of some people…Chris Pine and Kenny Loggins?

Tara: And a young Benecio Del Toro.

Sarah: OH yes.

Susan: My brain keeps going “Karl Urban and someone with a bad dye job” and Karl Urban does not deserve that.

AJ: I mean to be fair, Karl Urban has had some pretty bad dye jobs.

Sneezy: I don’t remember what the Backstreet Boys looked like, but he’s giving me Backstreet Boys vibe.

Raze by Tillie Cole. A shredded man is looking mysterious in a hoodie. His face is hidden, but he is covered in questionable tattoos and there's a weird bulge on his neck.

From Fairytalegirl: Something extremely weird seems to be sprouting out of this guy’s neck.

Sarah: I thought that was a shark. Eating him.

Elyse: He needs antibiotics.

Sarah: For the shark?

Elyse: For whatever is happening with his chest.

Tara: Aaaaangryyyyy shark! do do do do do do

Sarah: I just spit water EVERYWHERE.

Catherine: Ah yes, that’s my earworm for the day sorted.

Tara: My youngest is four. if nothing else, I’m glad that my hell did that.

Charlotte B: Going deep nerd here but it looks like he’s about to go full Tetsuo.

TETSUO!!!!!!

KANEDA!!!!!

Elyse: He looks like a Street Shark (hey 90’s!)

Sneezy: Maybe this is what happens when Teletubbies tries to evolve like a Pokémon.

Lara: I confess that I didn’t have my glasses on when I first looked at the cover… I thought he had SIR tattooed on his chest. Then I thought is was SIS and now… I have no idea

AJ: WHAT is HAPPENING in my EYEBALLS

I zoomed in to try and figure out what’s happening to his neck and it did not help

Susan: …Does this man have SS tattooed on his chest, because if so I am Concerned

…Or are those supposed to be numbers?

Sarah: I think it is 818 but I thought at first it was SIS

Tara: I can’t imagine those abs would be fun to tattoo

Sneezy: …what if he looks like that in part because he got tattoos to exaggerate his boobs and abs?

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